Somewhere I Belong
by InstaGimp
Summary: The hardest person to fight against is yourself. It is even harder to win. A different look at Utsuho Reiuji, somewhat of a songfic. Read A/N for more info.


**Greetings, fleshlings. I have returned.**

**You know how my first oneshot was short, sorta sweet, and a little sad? (Or maybe you thought it was bad, because I'm a terrible writer.)**

**Well, this one's about Utsuho/Okuu. That style doesn't work so well for how I want to portray her, so I went for a different approach this time. **Let me know what you think of it.****

**Also, I may have bent the lore completely, but I ended up with something interesting that wasn't total garbage so I decided to post it. The general idea is that Utsuho was originally well-intentioned and the Yatagarasu slowly corrupted her thoughts.**

**And if you like my story, please either favorite or review it. I'm as greedy for those kinds of things as Reimu is for donations.**

**But yes, more inspiration from outside sources/shameless insertion of others' material. This time, instead of Frances Cornford, it's Linkin Park. And if you don't know which song I'm using, the title provides a useful hint. That being the name.**

**EDIT: Because a guest review pointed out that danmaku isn't lethal, I'd like to specify that Reimu didn't kill Utsuho with regular danmaku. After all, given how powerful Reimu is, I'm pretty sure she could kill someone if she wanted to.**

**EDIT 2: I was recently notified that using copyright lyrics isn't allowed. This story is currently undergoing revisions to either remove the sections with lyrics or replace them with something else.**

* * *

_"It's hard to say exactly why I did what I did._

_I wasn't always like this, you know."_

_The figure across from her nodded in understanding._

_"I was never liked as a child. Even before I gained the power of nuclear fusion, I was considered an oddity. I could fly much earlier than everyone else, and I already had limited control over heat._

_Because of this, I was bullied. Even my own family, at times, would join in. Popularity became based on who found the worst insult for me. One of the blaze cats tried to bite on my wing. When I defended myself with magic I was branded as a monster._

_That was when I met Rin. At first, I was jealous that she never had to go through what I'd gone through, but she sympathized with me and we became friends."_

_"What was your main issue with life at that time?"_

_Utsuho pondered this question for a while before replying._

_"I think it was because I wanted to help others, when they either didn't want anything to do with me or wanted to hurt me because it was a cool thing to do."_

_"Do you think that the contempt society held for you justifies your sins?"_

_"Not at all."_

_"Why did you swallow the Yatagarasu?"_

_There was a long silence._

_"...the goddess, Kanako, told me that it would help everyone if I did. We didn't know the effect swallowing it would have on me, so I thought I would be helping Gensokyo by providing its energy. But the Yatagarasu was not a benevolent spirit..."_

_"It is one of the most powerful vengeful spirits ever created," affirmed Eiki. __"And where do you wish to go from here?"_

_The response came surprisingly quick for such an important decision._

_"I want to be reincarnated."_

_"Why?"_

_"I want to leave a positive impact. I want to be remembered not as someone who tried to overtake Gensokyo, but as someone who tried to help it."_

_The Yama nodded. "Very well. And now for the verdict." _

_"Utsuho Reiuji, it cannot be denied that you have committed many sins, even attempting to conquer Gensokyo. However...these are offset by your good deeds (though relatively few in number), overall good intentions, and the fact that your judgment was clouded by a second entity that you opposed. As such, we grant your wish..._

_You will be reincarnated, Utsuho, and may this life of yours be more fruitful..."_

* * *

"How do you feel?"

Normally such a statement wouldn't be uttered by the goddess of the Moriya Shrine, but she was eager to learn of the results of her latest efforts.

"Well?" Kanako asked impatiently.

Utsuho was curled up in a ball in agony, having swallowed the spirit of Yatagarasu a few minutes prior. The deity seemed unconcerned, however_—_she'd expected the process to be painful.

Eventually she regained the ability to speak. "...M-Miss Yasaka?"

"Hm? Did anything interesting happen?"

"Are there...supposed to be voices in my head?"

Kanako's eyebrows arched. _This _was certainly unexpected, and it piqued her curiosity. "What do they say?"

Utsuho turned her head from her position on the floor. "They speak of destruction."

* * *

_When this began_  
_I had nothing to say_  
_And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me_

* * *

"Hey Okuu!"

The Hell raven turned and smiled as she saw her friend.

"Hi, Rin. Did anything interesting happen so far today?

"No, unless you count Satori yelling at me for disobeying her...and it really wasn't such a big deal, so I don't know why she did."

Utsuho's mind instantly clouded with anger. How _dare _the mistress treat her friend that way! She should just destroy the Earth Palace for all that its mistress was worth_—_

"Uh...Okuu?" Rin waved her hand in front of her friend's face. "Are you there?"

"Oh!" Utsuho dispelled her thoughts before giving a reassuring smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Rin still wore a concerned expression. "You didn't look like it just now. You should ask Satori to let you rest."

"Mm." The Hell raven was confused. _Where did those thoughts come from?_

"Alright. I'll be off now."

After Rin left, Utsuho sighed. She needed some time to herself.

As she went to find Satori in the Palace, she could sense the voices increasing in volume ever so slightly.

* * *

_I was confused_  
_And I let it all out to find_  
_That I'm not the only person with these things in mind_

* * *

"Hello, Okuu." Satori looked up from the book she was writing. "Is something the matter?"

"Can I_—_"

"You want to rest?" Satori looked at her pet curiously. It was unusual for Utsuho to require something so trivial, especially so early in the day.

"Um...yes. Please."

"Why?"

"I don't know, maybe because I'm tired!" Utsuho snapped before she could stop herself. When she realized what she'd done, her face became beet red. "I mean...sorry_—_!"

Satori frowned. "Your mind seems much more disorderly and chaotic than usual, Okuu." She patted the hell raven's head. "Take a break."

"Thank you," Utsuho meekly replied, before quickly running out of the room.

Satori stared for a long time at the door that her pet had just slammed shut. Something was _definitely _wrong_—_and she didn't need to listen to Utsuho's disturbingly macabre thoughts to know that fact.

* * *

_Inside of me_  
_But all the vacancy the words revealed_  
_Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel_

* * *

Utsuho, lying on her futon, stared up at the ceiling with a blank expression that betrayed none of her inner conflict.

_What's happening to me?_

Usually she was quite good at keeping her emotions under control. But ever since she received the power of the Yatagarasu two days ago, she'd started to act differently. It was as if all of the tension in her whole life had been building up and only now being released.

_That's exactly what's happening. _

Utsuho's eyes widened. "R-Rin?" She sat up and looked around. No one. "Wh-"

_You won't find me. For I am in the one place you cannot reach..._

"Who are you!? Where are you? Show yourself!" Utsuho demanded.

_Must you be so impatient? _the voice whispered amusedly. _Very well...I am in your head. In your mind. I am Yatagarasu._

Utsuho's eyes widened. "Are you the reason I-I've been acting so weirdly?"

_Oh no. _There was a sinister chuckle. _I'm merely channeling your pent-up anger. Your hatred. Your pain. So you see, YOU are the cause, and I am but a facilitator..._

_Utsuho Reiuji. Look at you. Always different. Always above the norm, in terms of both altitude and power. Always...oppressed. Kicked down, spit on..._

_It's no wonder you hate others so much._

"I don't hate others!"

_A shame. Everyone else hates you._

"No! There's Rin! Rin is my friend!"

_Anyone else...?_

"There's_—_" Utsuho searched her brain frantically for an answer. "There's Satori! She cares about me!"

_She cares about you as a tool, nothing more. You can be as beneficial as you want regulating the Nuclear Furnace, but you as a person will never be accepted. You will live alone and hated, and you will die the same way._

"That's not true," Utsuho whimpered, though much less energetically than before.

_Everyone is afraid of you, hell raven. Afraid of your power, afraid of what you are, and afraid of what you will become._

"Wh_—_" Utsuho swallowed. "What will I become?"

She could almost physically feel the grin of the sun deity. _Me._

* * *

_Nothing to lose_  
_Just stuck, hollow and alone_  
_And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own_

* * *

_You have been wronged by the world, Utsuho. Everyone you have ever met either doesn't care about you or hates you. _

_But that's all you ever wanted, isn't it? To have friends. To be loved._

Utsuho, fighting back tears, nodded.

_Yet instead of accepting you, they turned you away. Why do you have faith in such a twisted, terrible society that hates those like you for being better?_

"I_—_" Utsuho paused. "I..."

_You have been lying to yourself, Utsuho, _the spirit crooned. _You will never have friends. _You were never meant to have friends. At least not friends as detestable as them.__

"So what do I do?" Utsuho whispered.

_End them. _As the Yatagarasu spoke those two words, the voices that had subsided before it started speaking returned more intense than ever.

_"Kill them all!"_

_"Burn them all to ashes!"_

_This world is beyond repair; it is a hopeless cause. _The spirit's volume rose as well so Utsuho could hear it over everything else. _Thus, the only way forward is to wash it all clean and start anew..._

"But there are good people in this world too!" Utsuho desperately argued. "Like Rin!"

_Yes, but how many? Very few. The vast majority are like those who hurt you when you were just a child. _

"I still don't want to kill them!"

_There is nothing wrong with eradicating the sinners, _the divine avatar of the sun pressed. _It would be like exterminating the pests ruining a beautiful garden._

"But_—_"

_Utsuho, I repeat, what do you want?_

"Friends!" Utsuho cried. "I don't want to be alone!"

_And since you will never have any, what do you want?_

"I_—_"

_The people who cast you aside like garbage. What do you want to do to them?_

A pause.

"I...I want to _hurt them,_" Utsuho hissed. "I want to _hurt them!_"

_Exactly, _the voice said, pleased.

"But...I can't! That's selfish! I can't just hurt some one because I want to!"

_Well, they did to you._

"I..." Utsuho finally snapped. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"_  
_

_As you wish. _

As she felt the presence in her head retreat to the darkest depths of her mind, Utsuho cried herself to sleep.

* * *

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real_  
_I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long_  
_Erase all the pain till it's gone_

* * *

_You don't understand, Utsuho. _There is no place for you here.__

__Even if you don't realize it, I have already won.__

* * *

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real_  
_I wanna find something I've wanted all along_  
_Somewhere I belong_

* * *

For the next week, Utsuho appeared to be perfectly healthy and back to her cheerful ways. The unease that had been plaguing her was absent, to the relief of Satori and Rin.

Then came the day Rin followed Utsuho to the Nuclear Furnace.

"Here, Okuu! I brought you some food. You didn't eat very much_—_" Rin stopped. "Okuu, what are you doing?"_  
_

The hell raven was carrying out nuclear fusion as usual, but there was something different about it. Normally the energy flow was toward the specialized channels to the Underground Geyser Center and various other locations, but right now Rin sensed that much of the energy had never left the Hell of Blazing Fires. Furthermore, the red eye of Yatagarasu was shining extremely brightly. Which meant...

"Okuu! Stop!" Rin yelled.

Utsuho turned. "Oh, hello, Rin." Her lips curled upward into a smile. "How are you?"

Nothing had ever terrified Rin more than the sight of her friend's almost sadistic smile directed at her. It was almost as if Utsuho was a different person entirely. "Um...I brought you...food?"

"Leave it, thanks. I'll eat it later."

That statement confirmed Rin's suspicions. "Utsuho, what's wrong? You usually eat anything you're offered. You're not acting like yourself right now."

Utsuho's grin grew even wider. "Oh really? I feel perfectly _fine_." She pointed her arm cannon at Rin. "You, on the other hand, might not."

_If you hurt her I'll—_

"Oh shut up," Utsuho whispered to herself.

"Okuu! Please, stop! Whatever it is you're doing, stop!"

Utsuho scowled. "I've had about enough of you! Leave! And don't you dare tell Satori what I'm doing!" She fired a blast at her friend, which sent the cat fleeing for her life. "Good riddance," she muttered to herself.

_I won't let you control me!_

"How noble. However, it appears that you already have."

_I'll find a way to stop you!_

"No." Utsuho smirked to herself. "You won't."

* * *

_And I've got nothing to say_  
_I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face_

* * *

She was almost ready.

The amount of energy generated from nuclear fusion was enormous, and she'd stored a large amount of it inside herself. It was a practically limitless energy supply; that is, for most practical purposes and danmaku battles, the energy would be way too much.

Taking over Gensokyo wasn't exactly a "practical purpose", however. So she needed more energy. Soon she would have enough.

Of course, she had to be careful. As a precaution, she'd still provided enough power for Gensokyo; she didn't want anyone investigating her activities, after all. Though it would take longer for her to reach maximum capacity, being able to keep her actions secret was worth it. And besides, she had plenty of time...

"Soon," she said, "the world will burn. And everyone in it."

_Damn you!_

Utsuho laughed. "Many have said the same."

_Why do you even want to conquer Gensokyo? Aren't there better things to do!?_

"It is my revenge, Utsuho." The hell raven's lip twitched. "When I was living_—_"

_You used to—_

"Yes, I used to be a normal, living deity. But I was considered too extreme. I wanted rid of all those who were cruel and unjust. Much like those who mistreated you. But the other goddesses at the time were too interested in amassing faith to care about purifying Gensokyo. I spoke out against them, and as a result I was killed.

I came to realize that as long as the current attitudes, habits, and behaviors ingrained into our world remained so, Gensokyo would never be truly free of sin. I became a free-roaming spirit, able to move from host to host. My goal was to cleanse Gensokyo this way, by spreading my ideas.

Unsurprisingly, no one listened. And that's when I had my latest epiphany.

I could take over Gensokyo. Change everything, and start anew..."

_That's insane!_

"Well, I also wanted my revenge on my fellow deities." Utsuho smiled. "And thanks to you, I'm going to get it."

* * *

_I was confused_  
_Looking everywhere only to find_  
_That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind_  
_So what am I_  
_What do I have but negativity_  
_'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me_

* * *

"Isn't it wonderful, Utsuho, having so much power at your command?"

_It would be if I was the one actually controlling it._

"Of course. But then again..." Utsuho grinned. "I technically am you, aren't I?"

_You'll never be me! You're just a twisted monster!_

"A twisted monster who has control over you and very soon all of Gensokyo, yes."

_You_—__

Her thoughts were interrupted as an unknown figure dressed in red and white glided into the Nuclear Furnace. Spotting her target, the girl's eyes narrowed. Surrounding her were several yin-yang orbs.

Rin sent her, didn't she?

"Well, I suppose I can spare a little time for her."

* * *

_Nothing to lose_  
_Nothing to gain, hollow and alone_  
_And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own_

* * *

"Take this!" Utsuho yelled as she released an incredible number of shining orbs into the air.

The red and white person (who Utsuho now recognized as a shrine maiden) weaved through the bullets easily and launched a vicious counterattack of her own, forcing Utsuho on the defensive.

_You'll kill her if you aren't_—__

"Are you an idiot? Remember who I am," Utsuho muttered to herself before getting slammed in the face by a powerful shot. "Gah!"

_Serves you right._

"Oh shut up. If you talk any more I'm going to lose this fight_—Ow!_" Utsuho yelled, another orb smashing her in the chest.

"Oh, all right then." Utsuho's eyes narrowed. "I won't let you get in my way. I intend to win and I will!" she screamed. "Atomic Fire: Nuclear Fusion!"

* * *

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real_  
_I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long_  
_Erase all the pain till it's gone_  
_I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real_  
_I wanna find something I've wanted all along_  
_Somewhere I belong_

* * *

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Utsuho found herself defeated and exhausted.

The shrine maiden, too, is exhausted, but more composed.

"No more games, Utsuho Reiuji." Her eyes are cold. "Have you any last words?"

Utsuho does not hear her at all, her mind weakening.

It is then that the one who has been watching the fight the whole time strikes.

* * *

_I will never know myself until I do this on my own_  
_And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed_  
_I will never be anything till I break away from me_  
_I will break away, I'll find myself today_

* * *

"Well, Utsuho, it's been nice knowing you," Utsuho pants, "but this is where I take my leave. I hope she gives you a painless death_—_wha_—_!?"

_I'm not going to let you get away THAT easily!_

Before the spirit of Yatagarasu can react, Utsuho has temporarily retaken control of her body. Looking at the shrine maiden, she says,

"Quickly! Kill her before she can escape!"

The startled girl looks around, confused.

"I mean, kill me!" Utsuho yells out.

_What are you doing!? _the voice rages.

"You're not going to hurt anyone ever again, Yatagarasu! This ends here!" Utsuho looks back at the shrine maiden. "What the hell are you doing!? Kill me already!"

The shrine maiden nods sadly. "I do not know who you are, but you have my pity." She smiles faintly. "Maybe, in a different lifetime, we might become friends."

Friends...?

The last thing she sees is Reimu flicking her wrist, and then all turns black.

* * *

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real_  
_I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long_  
_Erase all the pain till it's gone_  
_I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real_  
_I wanna find something I've wanted all along_  
_Somewhere I belong_

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong_  
_I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong_  
_Somewhere I belong_

* * *

**Please, leave a comment, favorite, or something to show your appreciation/lack thereof. It helps me a lot :D**


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